Double standards

My Motherland is a very conservative nation where even the mere mention of the words: sex, pre-marital sex, live-in relationships is considered taboo. Sometimes, I wonder how my family’s oldest female members would react if I broached this topic with them – their eyes would pop out and they would collectively mourn that the United States has corrupted me beyond reproach (the faith we profess as a family preaches abstinence thus, adding a moral responsibility to our thinking and behavior).

I starting dwelling a little more on the deplorable attitude of Indian men towards pre-marital sex after I read an article on the BBC that the Supreme Court of India has cleared 22 cases of indecency that were filed against the Indian film actress Kushboo – can you guess the crime she committed, I bet you cannot !

You can read the article here: INDIAN ACTRESS KUSHBOO

Actress Kushoo is on record for hinting that it is not wrong for women to indulge in pre-marital sex - provided they take precautions. She also went to say that it is not fair for any educated young man to expect his wife to be a virgin. This statement caused so much outrage in India (especially in Tamilnadu) – she was accused of making culturally derogative, obscene, insulting remarks that agitated the cultural spirit of our nation (only the men folk reacted anyways). Several cases were filed against her in various courts while tomatoes, slippers, eggs, and rotten vegetables were thrown at her – before the court appearances. Worse still, the chief justice of her state declared that these comments were difficult to accept – did he not go school???

The last time I checked the Indian constitution did not changed – it still guarantees the right to freedom of expression to all its citizens equally – yes men and women alike. Do I need to say more?

This entire incident flabbergasted me due to the following reasons:

1.Kushboo has a right to freedom of expression and she was referring to gender-quality and freedom. It is her own sexuality – why are the men folk up in arms against her if she feels that pre-marital sex is not abominable.
2.I like to believe that the Indian judiciary has better things to do than to settle matters like these- the supreme court of India apparently spent a considerable time viewing the transcripts of Kushboo’s interview – give me a break now.
3.Those who are filing these cases against her – do they believe that most Indian girls will be virgins at the time of the marriage. Are these men virgins until marriage?
4.It is pathetic that leading women organizations in the country did not stand by Kushboo to defend her views. The organizations did not have to concur with Kushboo’s stand but they could have raised a voice against the serious breach of Kushboo’s freedom to sexuality.
5.Most women ignored it, why did they not stand up and voice their support for her? I may not agree with her owing to my religious convictions – but that would not stop me from showing my respect for her opinion.
6.Why did the entire society react so violently when she expressed “HER OPINION” – she did not pass a law or an act – when will we learn to respect individual opinion?

The most important question to me now is ‘WHY DID ONLY MEN PERSECUTE HER WHEN SHE MADE THESE REMARKS? Are they worried that they may not be able to get virgin-wife’s at their wedding? And, are women in India fine with this kind of attitude – should men decide what, when, where and with whom women will have sex? Who gets to decide these moral codes of conduct - the men of our society, who help run Indian brothels? Why don’t women insist that their husbands be virgins at the time of the wedding – double standards - Shame ! Shame! Shame!

India’s “Arranged Marriages” or “Deranged Marriages”

I work for the foreign language department at SIUE and we have a very congenial atmosphere at work. It is very interesting to meet people from different countries, and cultures. This morning our conversation drifted towards India’s “Arranged Marriages”. Our Lab tech Scott, who is a philosophy major is American (born and raised) in the US – interestingly, most of his friends are international; mostly from Africa and Asia. By majoring in philosophy and by constructively interacting with people from other cultures, Scott has developed an apparent sense of broad-mindedness that is cemented by a great sense of tolerance and respect for other cultures. However, this is what he had to say about arranged marriages:

1.It is oppressive
2.Lacks freewill
3.Designs the relationship into a partnership
4.Lacks spontaneity
5.Has the potential to perpetuate polygamy.
6.Would shudder at the thought of having to be in one.

I began to wonder why people in the west have such an aversion to arranged marriages. In all probability, India has the highest number of arranged marriages and the lowest divorce rates (11 out of 1000 marriages). My most vivid recollection of the west’s aversion to arranged marriages was when I was at a friend’s house recently – my friend introduced me to her family, spoke about my academic qualifications, my culinary skills, my apparent dusky skin, and then came the bombshell – she said “Oh, by the way, Reena is going to have an arranged marriage.” At that moment I elicited the most sympathetic looks I got in a long time; a great sense of victimization dawned and everyone was so flabbergasted. There was a shade of every kind of emotion – fear, pity, sympathy, empathy, concern, helplessness, despair and what not. The sense of confusion was incomprehensible – what were they thinking:

1.How could she reconcile to love a stranger?
2.How could such a thing happen to her
3.Will the stranger be nice to her?
4.She is so educated, how could she do this?
5.Oh my, poor thing, family pressures!


This did not ruffle me one bit – I know what arranged marriages are, and how they work. It is important to remember that in India compatibility is a big deal. It is also important to ensure that families are compatible first; marriage is not only between individuals – you learn to accept, and love the entire extended family, the more the merrier, right? Compatibility in terms of religion, language, caste, social and financial status determines relationships, so why is it surprising that marriage is not an exception. 80% of the marriages in my family have been arranged marriages and they have been some of the most successful ones.

The key word here is not “ARRANGEMENT” rather, it is “FACILITATION”. Except for some very orthodox or rural families, the groom and bride do have a choice in the entire deal (not free will entirely) but they can exercise their freedom to the extent that it does not hamper “COLLECTIVE SOCIAL GOOD.”

The west’s idea of arranged marriages is not what happens in India. It is facilitated – that is exactly what happens the world over. Even here in the US, parents and elders gently try to reinforce the same views on their younger ones – so why is it so brutal when it takes place in India. How it takes place is that – families meet, decide if they are compatible and then the prospective groom and bride are involved. The ultimate decision is made by the prospective couple – some reinforcement and advice is given by the families though. We are an ancient culture and we know what is good for our society and our kids. Do I need to say that the millions of young people in India who are in arranged marriages do not have this sense of victimization and despair? It is a way of life and society functions on these conditions. Moreover, the philosophers of free-will and determinism are from the west, their ideas cannot be used to measure freedom in culturally contrasting communities. The parameter is faulty – so refrain.

I have the same aversion to love marriages – I strongly believe they may not work in most cases. I would be more comfortable if my family, friends, and relatives helped me decide on such an important aspect of my life. There is no suppression of free will what-so-ever, after all free will was defined for the west. We should not make the mistake of trying to spread this blanket to other cultures and countries – after deciding that it is our job to be policing them. If you do not know how arranged marriages work and why the divorce rates for arranged marriages are so low, please ask someone who knows how it works? Words can have different meanings you see. Please, do not start sympathizing with Indians who have arranged marriages – if you do so, you will only be shouting out your ignorance from the roof top, so please beware. It is heavily cultural and if we cannot comprehend it – we should refrain from criticizing it.

Anyways, Scott and I agree on this one aspect that all marriages are arranged – whether on earth, in heaven, or in hell. The only difference is who arranges it and for whom. You either get married and learn to love, or learn to love and get married, or get married and forget all about love.

I KNOW I AM INDIAN, PERIOD !

The other day, a friend of mine called me to inquire if I would be attending the “India Night” celebrations at my university. Honestly, I had never thought of attending an event like that in the last few years, and so when my friend asked me about it, I began to drive the point home. Though I do not have any substantial animosity towards celebrations like these, I strongly believe that I am so Indian at heart that I do not need to reassure, and publicly reaffirm that truth to myself. I can celebrate my nationality, my identity, my origin and my roots everyday, and with friends and family, without all that perfunctory pomp and show.

Anyways, the telephonic conversation with my friend took a very humorous twist, and I took full advantage of it and convinced him of my heavily sugar-coated message that I had to attend to some other important assignment. I was not guilty of not making it to the event; I would rather cherish the India in me everyday with its glory and its pit-falls. Also, I try not to talk about India with my very own because most of my conversations with SOME of my Non-Resident Indian friends bring back memories of India in enormous ambivalence. We tend to complain of poor infrastructure, poor rural education, child labor, deplorable hygiene and sanitation, heavy traffic and congestion, ill maintained roads, the dormant Indian democracy, corruption, degradation of cultural and social values, degenerating morals – blame it all on westernization. However, we do admit that we miss our food, the quick snack shops that adorn our streets, our market places, the stunning garments and jewels of India, the beautiful weather, and everything good that one cannot see on BBC (The BBC seldom portrays India in good light, well the colonial syndrome dies hard, you see).

India Night was on the week end, needless to say, I stayed away and chose to go for my two-hour long walk around the neighborhood. As I walked past grandiose homes, and beautiful parks, I gradually began to drift back into my memory’s lane featuring India. Everything came back to my mind, as if I was there yesterday – how could it not, my Indian-ness cements the threshold of my identity. My appearance, vocabulary, accent, attitude, thinking, moral ethical school of thought and everything that I am, was molded and shaped by the rich social cultures and values of the Indian society. I felt so thankful for the ancient, and strong social learning that Indian culture offers to its own. If God were to ask me where I would like to be born in my next birth, my unflinching reply would be: INDIA.

I do not like hypocritical displays of patriotism; spare me please. One of the organizers of the show told me in an informal conversation a few months ago - on how she hated to be in India for a holiday and literally waited to come back to the US.

Was she whining ? May be I should use a euphemism here and say "she was sharing her views" - you decide, this is what she said:

1. "The roads are very bad and I hated to be on them" (Indian roads have always been that way, I was born and raised in India - used those roads to commute to school, college, work, and everywhere ) - Tell me something new.
2. "The drivers honk" - honking in India is not a sign of impatience as it is seen in Western countries. Driver's honk to self-regulate traffic and to make other drivers aware of their presence. Well, that is all we knew before we moved - so why is it bothering anyone now.
3. "We litter garbage on the roads" - (come on now, we are moving towards change, we will get better)
4. "I was scared to be on the road" - u better be, if u carry your NRI attitudes, you cannot see the sun shining or the feel the wind blowing.
5. "Traffic cops are corrupt" - they are not as venal as we think they are, they follow society's norms after all.
6. "It is crazy" - r u sure, you are not crazy !
7. "India has changed for the worse" - good your contribution would have made it worst.
8. "I was waiting to come back" - glad my mother land did not have to put up with the prodigal daughter for way too long.

Needless to say, India as a country has a lot to offer. We are one of the most ancient civilizations of the world that offers it's citizens an effective, and efficient social learning - based on moral values and cultures. We are so unique in that our food, culture, family values, and cultural values make us stand apart from the rest.

Being different does not mean that we are weird - we are unique. Despite being the second most populous country of the world - we have a say on wall street, and in all the major politics.

I wont go to India night - I will love my country as it is. I am an optimist, I hope to see change, but I would rather be realistic. No India night, No Whining !

INDIAN ENGLISH ?

Can you believe it : India has the second highest English speakers in the world after the US. I feel proud and happy that we are doing so well with a language that is not naively ours (however, even if I can speak, read, write, talk, understand basic English - I still have to take silly exams like TOEFL (Test of English as a foreign language) and IELTS.

From reading my blog, I am sure you will at least concur with the idea that I can write/read decently in English. However, the usage and meaning is so different in various parts of the world.

When I came to the United states, I was literally starving - all I ate were apples, and bananas - because they were the few things I could recognize by name and taste. I remember that day so vividly when my host parent took me to the grocery store to buy me biscuits (yes Indian biscuits). She showed me the biscuits in the store and I said they were buns. Fine, we moved to the next aisle and she said "Ah,here we go." I looked at her in disbelief, she was holding pastries, they were not biscuits to me. She tried in vain, showed me cookies and brownies - alas, they were not my biscuits. After combing through the entire bakery section, we decided to leave, and as we were walking out - I gave out a shout of relief and pointed out to biscuits. She looked at them and said "Oh well, Ritz Crackers."

English as a language is not very uniform all over the world - it is surprising. I am not talking about accents or dialects - I am discussing names and terms. I thought I would post this list; it might help someone.

SHUSH, INDIA AND HIJRAS – QUIET NOW !

I study cross cultural human behavior - honestly it is my profession, passion, and a vocation. The study of India's antediluvian, man-made social strata and culture will be incomplete without the mention of caste system. I learnt recently that Gays form an entirely different caste in the Hindu caste system. I was happy to learn that hijras, or eunuchs as they are commonly called are a part of the human caste system - a sign that we as a society recognize them as humans with feelings and emotions. However, the sad truth is something else. I wrote a guest blog for a good friend of mine (Kola Tubosun) - you may read my post here INDIA'S HIJRAS (KOLA TUBOSUN'S BLOG - KTRAVULA)

When are you settling down ?

Can you imagine how difficult it must be for an spinster in India? I cannot speak for everyone, but I can surely speak for my own experience.

Marriage is still considered to be a sacred institution that has been entrusted to mankind by God himself. Thus, every man and woman should either be married, or dedicate themselves to the service of God. Simply stated, every mortal must either get married, and reproduce – yes you got it right, sex and reproduction are legitimate only in wedlock and holy matrimony, or entrust your heart, mind, body, and soul to the service of mankind and the maker.

If you belong to that class of women who do not jump into matrimony when they attain 18 or 20 years of age, then be prepared to face a volley of questions from all quarters. I would like to summarize the unwarranted volley of questions that the Indian society (mostly married women) like to publicly throw at nubile Indian women, especially in social gatherings. Some of these most annoying questions can be as follows:

1.When is the big day coming?
2.When are you settling down ? (As if I am unsettled! )
3.Are the wedding bells gonna ring soon?
4.Do you know the lucky guy, and when is he coming?
5.When will we be treated to your wedding dinner?
6.Do you know how I wish to see you as a bride?
7.When is the Mr. Right going to become public?

The above list in inconclusive. When a bunch of Indian homemakers find themselves in each other’s company – all they do is match-making. The sight of a nubile spinster is more than enough to elicit the above questions and sadly, these women tend to believe that they are settled and that everyone else must settle like them. They know better! The lesser I say anything about this, the better.

In my opinion, marriage is the most unsettling thing. Generally, it is the union of two very diverse, confused, individuals (one from mars, and the other from Venus) trying to make sense of their attachment to each other. I bet it is a serious compromise (yes compromise, not consensus) of ideas, values, likes, habits, cultures – thus leading to a confounding amalgamation of ideas, values, and practices.

I am very curious to know how many people really think that marriage is settling down. And the guy will be my Mr. Right?? Why does society do this great injustice to unmarried people – telling them that life is all about marriage? Worse still, they tell you that always, always, the other side of the fence looks greener! Can anyone explain this irony to me – they are doomed, but they keep waiting for my big day? What? Epitomes of selflessness I guess! ! Indian Aunties, spare me please!

What’s the problem?

As I was driving home from work yesterday, a car sticker on the car in front of me caught my immediate attention. It read: “Learn English, or leave.”

I knew for sure that this message was aimed at Hispanic speakers who are supposedly tainting the United States and destroying its sanctity - by trying to make it bilingual. I personally do not have any animosity towards being bi-lingual or multi-lingual as I come from a nation that has almost the highest number of languages and dialects. I was born into variety and diversity, thus learning to appreciate it.

I giggled to myself for some time and then began to think of the obvious attitude of some Americans towards other languages. I found it ludicrous that there would be so much intolerance for a language (I have already reconciled to the intolerance that some people here have towards people of color).

Why should everyone speak English? Do they need to? The British were busy colonizing innumerable countries for wealth – I do not see very strong convictions on their part to promote their language. Why did the Americans take this upon themselves then? For crying out loud, English is not America’s language, though they try to patronize it to the best.
May be, tomorrow I will see another car with a sticker that reads: “Speak English the way I do, or leave.” Now, I will have real problems with that – serious problems, and I mean it. I have heard the following statements so many times, that I have lost tolerance for them:

1.Your English is very impressive.
2.You speak very good English.
3.I like your English.

Come on now, do I need to tell anyone that my country (India) has the 2nd highest number of English speakers in the world, after the US. Why won’t we speak English and speak it well? After all, the Indian republic had 2 centuries of romance time with the British – WE ARE MORE ENGLISH. It freaks me out to hear American kids ( from an English speaking country) say things like
1.I didn’t do nothing
2.He don’t know

Come on now, spare me this please. I speak English and there are no two ways about it. If anyone has a problem listening to Spanish or accented English – nothing I can do to help.

This evening I was at the Watson’s for dinner- I love going to their house; they are my friends and family. We spoke about a host of things and as usual Mrs. Watson inquired about my Mom (who lives in India); knowing all too well that I talk to my mom everyday. I was telling Mrs. Watson about some of my discussions with my mom and the growing wide emotional, cultural, and mental disparity between me and mom. All my life, I have bench marked against my mother – she is the most persevering, resilient, pious, patient, loving, and kind woman I have ever encountered in all my life. If in this lifetime, I can achieve even 10% of mom’s achievements – I will consider my self blessed.

My relationship with my mom has always been a close, strong bond that has withstood the test of time, distance, and grief. When I look back at my relationship with her and the motherhood that she so cherishes, I have mixed emotions. In India they believe that once a woman enters motherhood, she literally dies to herself and lives for her children. My Mom is an epitome of this belief. She is a wonderful mother, very affectionate, kind, encouraging, and yet a strict disciplinarian. I am the apple of her eye – and she makes no bones of letting me know that. She is my friend, confidant, and my counselor. I miss being with her greatly.

However, when I look back, I feel my relationship with my mom has never gone outside the Indian dimension of mother-daughter, love-respect, and love-discipline. I can talk to her about anything under the sun – eve teasing, my shopping list, the menu for dinner, my fears, my desires, joys, sorrows, and my dreams. However, I cannot remember me and my mom talking about important things for a girl – like sex, birth control, abortion, and the like. Even to this day, I find it very mushy to discuss my sex life and the demands of being a woman with my mother. It is simply very embarrassing.
I relate this to Indian society – where women are to learn and be subject to everything in silence. Considering that we are the second most populous country in the world, mothers and daughters in India, do not talk very openly about sex, and sexuality. It is taboo and should not be discussed by children and their elders. Despite all the advancement that the Indian society claims, it is not socially appreciable that women talk about sexuality and what makes them feel better. Growing up in Hyderabad, India in the 90’s – I picked up from social norm that it is socially degrading for a women to talk about her sexual fantasies, sexual partners, and the sexual acts that make her happy. It is so contrasting to me because we gave the world Kama sutra – centuries ago, what happened suddenly to the Indian society, that we became so prejudiced towards women? How much good has the Indian society done to every relationship ?? Why do we have to be such a closed, high-power distance society – dictating the norms for social, cultural, and family life ?? – how could me and mom have let this cultural, social setting determine our agenda, and discussions? Can we do it differently at least now??

Someday I wish to be a mother – and be able to raise my child in an atmosphere where my child will be able to openly talk to me about everything under the sun. Needless to say – I love my mother and cherish having her to love and pamper me. Try as hard as we may, we will never be able to break social taboos – that the Indian society has predetermined for mom and me – nevertheless, I love it.

10 things I will do if I can get the last 12 months back

1. Appreciate the present.

2. Not be reluctant to tell let the people in my life that they are very important to me.

3. Walk to school, and church - not drive.

4. Write pleasant and encouraging notes to friends, family and loved ones.

5. Be myself - try not to be unnecessarily difficult.

6. Abandon the perception that I am cute and special - and that I should be pampered.

7. Treat the people I encounter as if he/she is a prince/princess. Live every moment as if it is my last.

8. Have a richer spiritual life.

9. Laugh more often, not suppress my smile, and play more basket ball in cougar village.

10. Be more sensitive to people around me; and learn to give them the benefit of doubt.

10 things I will not do if I can get the last 12 months back

1. Be unnecessarily argumentative and disputatious - even for the heck of it.

2. Be cold and non-chalant with loved ones.

3. Be too-available to others.

4. Study too hard for the GRE.

5. Worry too much about the future, and my career.

6. Never, never let a guy know how much I love him.

7. Expect the people in life to constantly remind me of what I mean to them.

8. Cook more, eat more

9. Think too much about everything and reading between the lines.

10.Try hard to belong to people who do not want me.

Does time heal ? ?

Times Flies. That is the truth. However, the memories and nostalgia it leaves behind are not subject to the enormous evanescence as time itself. Words such as memories, nostalgia, longing, pining, reminiscence, yearning and the like - are used so ordinarily in common parlance. The true meaning of these can only be understood and felt when we experience it especially when we part ways - it can be a strange bundle of mixed feelings, an emotion that is so strongly fueled by several shades and moods of fear, hope, love, gratitude, sadness, affection, confusion, anxiety, doubt, loneliness, and regret. Every event, and person leaves us with a different mix of the said emotions that can be confounding to the human mind.

Farewell's and good-bye's are never easy I suppose. Every farewell can have a different composition of the fore-said emotions that cannot be expressed using words or knowledge of any of the world's languages. As hard as I try to put my finger on that current that runs through one's entire being when one parts from a loved one - it is impossible to precisely explain or define it. Being emotional with loved ones, and being big on human relations does not help this situation either. Whatever, the composition of the emotions - one is heavy at heart. What exactly happens at farewells - Do we want the past to come back, or keep the present as it is, or control the future to conform with the present and the past. Mind blowing isn't it; that's time - so if the whole thing is about time, controlling it, conforming it, reminiscing it, fearing it, and losing it - how can time be a healer?

It saddens my heart to think of enormous pain and hopelessness experienced by people who lost their loved ones in war, accidents, terror attacks, and unforeseen dangers. Try as I may, I will never be able to come up with a comprehensive list of the feelings experienced by these people, leave alone think of any healing measures for them.

They say time and again that time heals - I say time does not heal, it merely conceals those scars. Times of the past come back to haunt, and to cause tears to roll. Times of the present create a great longing for the past and hope for the future. Times of the future - as much as we want to, we cannot control. Time is time, do not try to understand and control it - and happiness is all yours.