India’s “Arranged Marriages” or “Deranged Marriages”

I work for the foreign language department at SIUE and we have a very congenial atmosphere at work. It is very interesting to meet people from different countries, and cultures. This morning our conversation drifted towards India’s “Arranged Marriages”. Our Lab tech Scott, who is a philosophy major is American (born and raised) in the US – interestingly, most of his friends are international; mostly from Africa and Asia. By majoring in philosophy and by constructively interacting with people from other cultures, Scott has developed an apparent sense of broad-mindedness that is cemented by a great sense of tolerance and respect for other cultures. However, this is what he had to say about arranged marriages:

1.It is oppressive
2.Lacks freewill
3.Designs the relationship into a partnership
4.Lacks spontaneity
5.Has the potential to perpetuate polygamy.
6.Would shudder at the thought of having to be in one.

I began to wonder why people in the west have such an aversion to arranged marriages. In all probability, India has the highest number of arranged marriages and the lowest divorce rates (11 out of 1000 marriages). My most vivid recollection of the west’s aversion to arranged marriages was when I was at a friend’s house recently – my friend introduced me to her family, spoke about my academic qualifications, my culinary skills, my apparent dusky skin, and then came the bombshell – she said “Oh, by the way, Reena is going to have an arranged marriage.” At that moment I elicited the most sympathetic looks I got in a long time; a great sense of victimization dawned and everyone was so flabbergasted. There was a shade of every kind of emotion – fear, pity, sympathy, empathy, concern, helplessness, despair and what not. The sense of confusion was incomprehensible – what were they thinking:

1.How could she reconcile to love a stranger?
2.How could such a thing happen to her
3.Will the stranger be nice to her?
4.She is so educated, how could she do this?
5.Oh my, poor thing, family pressures!


This did not ruffle me one bit – I know what arranged marriages are, and how they work. It is important to remember that in India compatibility is a big deal. It is also important to ensure that families are compatible first; marriage is not only between individuals – you learn to accept, and love the entire extended family, the more the merrier, right? Compatibility in terms of religion, language, caste, social and financial status determines relationships, so why is it surprising that marriage is not an exception. 80% of the marriages in my family have been arranged marriages and they have been some of the most successful ones.

The key word here is not “ARRANGEMENT” rather, it is “FACILITATION”. Except for some very orthodox or rural families, the groom and bride do have a choice in the entire deal (not free will entirely) but they can exercise their freedom to the extent that it does not hamper “COLLECTIVE SOCIAL GOOD.”

The west’s idea of arranged marriages is not what happens in India. It is facilitated – that is exactly what happens the world over. Even here in the US, parents and elders gently try to reinforce the same views on their younger ones – so why is it so brutal when it takes place in India. How it takes place is that – families meet, decide if they are compatible and then the prospective groom and bride are involved. The ultimate decision is made by the prospective couple – some reinforcement and advice is given by the families though. We are an ancient culture and we know what is good for our society and our kids. Do I need to say that the millions of young people in India who are in arranged marriages do not have this sense of victimization and despair? It is a way of life and society functions on these conditions. Moreover, the philosophers of free-will and determinism are from the west, their ideas cannot be used to measure freedom in culturally contrasting communities. The parameter is faulty – so refrain.

I have the same aversion to love marriages – I strongly believe they may not work in most cases. I would be more comfortable if my family, friends, and relatives helped me decide on such an important aspect of my life. There is no suppression of free will what-so-ever, after all free will was defined for the west. We should not make the mistake of trying to spread this blanket to other cultures and countries – after deciding that it is our job to be policing them. If you do not know how arranged marriages work and why the divorce rates for arranged marriages are so low, please ask someone who knows how it works? Words can have different meanings you see. Please, do not start sympathizing with Indians who have arranged marriages – if you do so, you will only be shouting out your ignorance from the roof top, so please beware. It is heavily cultural and if we cannot comprehend it – we should refrain from criticizing it.

Anyways, Scott and I agree on this one aspect that all marriages are arranged – whether on earth, in heaven, or in hell. The only difference is who arranges it and for whom. You either get married and learn to love, or learn to love and get married, or get married and forget all about love.